Engineering Jokes

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• 29 April 2018

SEVEN WAYS TO CATCH A LION !!!
guys, if u remember, physics and mathematics, we studied in 9th grade, then its really funny… 
enjoy..

1. Newton’s Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion .

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage.So set the trap, sit down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion.
Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions.
Then sweep the entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area.
The lion is some where in the result.
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

7. The bimbo Method:
DON’T EVEN TRY. YOU’LL GET CAUGHT BY THE ION.

ENGINEERS v’s MANAGERS:
Hi All,
Here’s something for the engineers amongst us…(and any managers out there…)

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”.
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north altitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
“You must be an engineer” said the balloonist.
“I am” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded “You must be in management”
“I am,” replied the balloonist “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.” 

 

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS

Comprehending Engineers – Take One
*********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
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Comprehending Engineers – Take Two
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said,”I like both.”Both?Engineer:Yeah.If you have a wife and a mistress,they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done.”
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Comprehending Engineers – Take Three
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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons,Civil Engineers build targets.
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Comprehending Engineers – Take Four
*********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,”How does it work?” The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks,”How much will it cost?”The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”.
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Comprehending Engineers – Take Five
*********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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THE ENGINEER IN HELL

The engineer goes to the gates of heaven but he is turned away and sent off to hell. A few days later God asks Satan how things are in hell and Satan says that it’s really great there ever since that engineer came and made air conditioners and flush toilets. God gets upset and says that Satan has to send the engineer back but Satan refuses so God gets mad and says “I’ll sue you!” but Satan laughs his head off and says “Yeah, right, and where are YOU going to find a lawyer?” (of course
it’s easy to see why there are no lawyers in heaven).

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THE GUILLOTINE

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.

As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, “Head up or head down?”

“Head up,” said the doctor.

“Blindfold or no blindfold?”

“No blindfold.”

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade–and stopped barely an inch above the doctor’s neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn’t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.

“Head up or head down?” said the executioner. 

“Head up.”

“Blindfold or no blindfold?”

“No blindfold.”

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade–and stopped an inch above the chemist’s neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn’t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist wasset free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

“Head up or head down?”

“Head up.”

“Blindfold or no blindfold?” 

“No blindfold.”

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

“WAIT! I see what the problem is!”.

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ENGINEERS SELECT GIRLFRIENDS

Consumer’s Reports on Selecting Girlfriends

Well it’s been almost 20 years since Consumer’s Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1976). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been 
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CR decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics–if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
————-
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age Used or New
——– ———–
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up 
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only “new” if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, “divorced”.

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CR advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO’s/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories
———–
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
————-
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called “pickup line”, which can range from the simple if dull (“Can I buy you a drink?”) to the aggressively hip (“dance with me or I’ll kill you”) to the arcane (“You’re my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!”). CR rates as Not Acceptable “Smile, you’ll look better.” Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On – The Lot
———————–
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CR questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
———–
Girl friends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CR’s specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
——-
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category Comments
——– —————————————————-
Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don’t. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don’t say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

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EXPENSIVE MONKEYS

A tourist walked into a pet shop near Microsoft’s corporate headquarters and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program a computer in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s an engineer.”
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COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS

Engineer’s Week is celebrated each year during the week of George Washington’s birthday. The week honors Washington, a civil engineer and all the members of the

engineering profession. In order to achieve a better understanding of our profession I offer these examples:

Comprehending Engineers – Take One. 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” “The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

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Comprehending Engineers – Take Two. 

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Comprehending Engineers – Take Three. 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenskeeper replied,”Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t we arrange for these guys to play at night?”

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Comprehending Engineers-Take Four 

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 35years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.00 Knowing where to put it $49,999.00 It was paid in full and the engineer went back to retirement in peace.

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Comprehending Engineers-Take Five 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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Comprehending Engineers-Take Six 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven 

“Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

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Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

**************************************
Comprehending Engineers – Take Nine 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve
told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

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DOG’S LIFE

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was 
a computer hack and the fifth was a civil servant. 

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-square! Do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. 

But the accountant said his dog was better. He called to his dog and commanded, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 biscuits each. Everyone agreed that was good. 

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got out a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive. 

The computer tech knew he could top them all. “Hard drive, have a go at it.” Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an E-mail and installed a cool new game. Everyone agreed that this was a tough act to follow. Then the four men turned to the civil servant and said “What can your dog do?” The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee- break, do your stuff Boy!” Coffee-break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for worker’s compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave. 

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

$ Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it? However…

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
——————–

 

Hi all, gals watch out for those software engineers!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER MARRY A SOFTWARE ENGINEER.
——————————–
HUSBAND – HAI DEAR, I AM LOGGED IN.

WIFE – HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE SAREE.
HUSBAND – BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.

WIFE – BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING
HUSBAND – ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, ABORT,RETRY,CANCEL.

WIFE – HAE BHAGWAN !FORGET IT WHERE’S YOUR SALARY.
HUSBAND – FILE IN USE,READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME TIME.

WIFE – ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD,I CAN DO SOME SHOPPING.
HUSBAND – SHARING VIOLATION,ACCESS DENIED.

WIFE – I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRING YOU.
HUSBAND – DATA TYPE MISMATCH.

WIFE – YOU ARE USELESS.
HUSBAND – BY DEFAULT.

WIFE – WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS MORNING.
HUSBAND – SYSTEM UNSTABLE,PRESS <CTRL, <ALT,<DEL TO REBOOT.

WIFE – WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS
HUSBAND – HARD DISK FULL.

WIFE – WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR RECEPTIONIST.
HUSBAND – THE ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION.

WIFE – WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE.
HUSBAND – UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.

WIFE – DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER.
HUSBAND – TOO MANY PARAMETERS.

WIFE – I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.
HUSBAND – PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION, IT WILL CLOSE.

WIFE – I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.
HUSBAND – CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR ANOTHER USER.

WIFE – IT IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU
HUSBAND – SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.

WIFE – I AM GOING
HUSBAND – ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

LATERAL THINKING!!

 

EXTRACT FROM A BOOK:
Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I read the examination question:

“SHOW HOW IT IS POSSIBLE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING WITH THE AID OF A BAROMETER.”

The student had answered, “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.”

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of
five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: “Take the barometer to the top of the
building and lean over the edge of the roof.

Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building.”
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague’s office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem,so I asked him what they were.

“Well,” said the student, “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.”

“Fine,” I said, “and others?”

“Yes,” said the student, “there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.”

“A very direct method.”

“Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated. “On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could
then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession”.

“Finally,” he concluded, “there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best,” he said, “is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: ‘Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.”

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The student was Neils Bohr and the arbiter Rutherford.